Rich's Four Downs preview of the Miami Dolphins ends with a question he asked about himself on national television in 1996, and it turns out to be the perfect frame for this roster.
Who are they and what are they doing here?
First down is the quarterback. Malik Willis time, or time to tread water until next year's draft.
Rich likes Willis. He said so twice, unprompted, and he has reasons. He thinks Willis proved his mettle over the last couple of years. He thinks the head coach knows exactly what this kid is about, because Jeff Hafley was the defensive coordinator in Green Bay while Willis was blossoming there.
The problem is not the quarterback. It is the inventory around him.
"You look at the roster and you're wondering how can he properly be evaluated without big-time weaponry around him," Rich said.
That is the whole indictment. When you have a quarterback you think is talented, the job is to build around him. Miami traded its best receiver instead. Rich put it the way only he would.
"Tyreek Hill is not walking through that door."
Second down is Devon Achane, and whether he can be an Offensive Player of the Year finalist. Rich thinks the raw material is absolutely there. Everybody wants to talk about Jahmyr Gibbs and Bijan Robinson, and Rich's counter is that Achane is just as fast if not faster, and can take a handoff from his own 30 and finish it.
The catch is the same catch as first down. What if he is the only weapon on the field that scares anybody? Miami has speed in Malik Washington and Tutu Atwell, who Los Angeles fans know all about. Whether the offensive line can protect and blow open holes is an open question. Achane cannot be the entire plan.
Third down goes to Hafley, and this is where Rich is most positive. He has genuinely enjoyed talking to Hafley on this program.
"I think he's emotionally brilliant," Rich said. "I think he knows what makes a player tick."
He also respects the career path. Hafley was a college head coach who walked away from the world of NIL and roster retention to be a coordinator in Green Bay, and it paid off with the Miami job. Is he ready for primetime? Rich thinks yes. The unknown is the third and fourth quarter decision-making, the moments where head coaching is actually a different job.
Fourth down is the roster itself, and it is not flattering.
"Did they take anybody that will knock your socks off because you recognize their name? No," Rich said. "Outside of Achane, who are you going to draft in your fantasy? The names aren't there."
Then he flipped his own argument over, which is the most interesting thing in the segment.
Miami's general manager and head coach both came from Green Bay, where there are always not a lot of great names, and where the collective wins anyway. That is a real philosophy, not an excuse. It is how Seattle and Philadelphia and Green Bay have drafted for years. Draft to a system, coach them up, win with the sum.
So which is it? A team slow playing toward next year's draft, or a team that has quietly assembled a group nobody can name yet?
Rich would not commit, and that ambivalence is the honest answer.
The rest of the desk was less generous. Miami has the second longest playoff odds, is not getting flexed, and probably is not playing a primetime game all year. That could be rough.
Rich's counter is the same as it was on first down. Or it is Malik Willis time, the drafted players start balling out because they are coached right and drafted for a system, and we all find out we were looking at the wrong things.
Either way, the question stands, borrowed from a young sportscaster in 1996 who had a terrible way of introducing himself.
Who are they, and what are they doing here?
Watch the full interview on The Rich Eisen Show, streaming live on Disney+ weekdays Noon-3PM ET.
Adapted from the original segment on The Rich Eisen Show. How we cover the show.