There are a dozen ways to open a Cincinnati Bengals season preview, and almost all of them start with Joe Burrow. Rich went the other direction on purpose.
First down is the defense, because everything else in Cincinnati is downstream of one question: does Burrow have to score 90 million points a game or not?
And the Dexter Lawrence trade sits right in the middle of that. The Bengals held the 10th overall pick and moved it to the Giants, who used it on Francis Mauigoa. Sitting there was Caleb Downs, who spent two years in the state of Ohio showing exactly what he can do.
Rich gets the counterargument. You do not build a defense around a back end player. But he also rattled off Derwin James, Christian Gonzalez and Kyle Hamilton as proof that the right safety or corner can simply change what a defense is.
"Sexy Dexy, they go ahead and they get him," Rich said, and he is not dismissing the player. Lawrence is a terrific player in the center of a defense who can change things from there too. Al Golden is back for year two as coordinator.
"Let's just take a touchdown a game off the board and see how that works," Rich said. If Downs is balling out in Dallas and Lawrence is not performing like the Lawrence of old, that conversation is coming back.
Second down is the one Bengals fans have been screaming about for years. Can this team protect Joe Burrow?
Rich framed it less as strategy than as mercy. Can we be done watching nine run for his life, hearts in throats, waiting for him to get up? No toe. No knee. Nothing.
"Let's just get Joe Burrow standing up right, throwing touchdowns," Rich said. Because if that happens, and the defense subtracts a score from the opponent, this could be the best offense in the National Football League.
Third down is Zac Taylor, and how hot that seat actually is. He has been the head coach since 2019. This is year eight.
Rich's answer is that anyone assuming urgency does not know this franchise.
"You know who's holding that beer is Marvin Lewis, who was coach of this team for 16 years," he said. "If you think Zac Taylor has been at this job long and should have a hotter seat under him, if you think that, you don't know this organization."
Sixteen years is what Hall of Fame coaches get, the John Harbaugh and Mike Tomlin tier. Taylor has one more year on his deal after this one, and as Rich put it, this team does not like paying that money to coaches.
Fourth down is the one that will define every Monday of the season. What does Joe Burrow think of everything?
Every press conference, win or loss, becomes a text to be parsed. Does he want out? Is he going to pull a Carson Palmer? Last year the explanation was that he was frustrated with the injuries, not the organization, not Cincinnati, not any of it.
Right now, Rich thinks Burrow is having fun with the whole exercise. Exhibit A is the telescope.
"Just got to get cool things as you get older, man," Burrow said. "Just find some cool stuff that I like."
Asked what he was looking at: "Galaxies, nebula, planets, moons, all the above." Asked about aliens: "Hopefully one day."
"Well, he's got an alien at wide receiver," Rich said. "We know that."
Then came the Instagram post: Off season 26. See you on the battlefield. Everybody immediately started decoding it.
The read on this team is boom or bust, and Rich thinks the bust scenario has one author. The football gods take Burrow or someone else important, because Chase Brown is outstanding and those receivers are outstanding and this offense can light it up. A defense even a hair better wins the division.
The football gods may have already checked in. Word from the desk was that Shemar Stewart, last year's draft pick, had been carted off that day with a leg injury that did not look good.
"That's what I mean," Rich said. "It's already started."
Watch the full interview on The Rich Eisen Show, streaming live on Disney+ weekdays Noon-3PM ET.
Adapted from the original segment on The Rich Eisen Show. How we cover the show.